The Evolving Process of Grief
As most of you would know my Grandma passed away in December 2018, which inspired my post On Death and Grief and this January my Auntie passed away from her battle with cancer. Having cancer and death being a common theme in my life for the past 6 years, I’ve noticed that the way I deal with death and grief is evolving.
With my Grandma I had a weird mix of acceptance and shock. I’d only had 5 months with her since moving back and seeing her health deteriorate and the pain she was in was hard. When she went into the hospital for pain management I thought that she would get better and come back home. But she didn’t. I was there when she took her last breath and the feeling of that moment comes back sometimes. It used to feel a little traumatising because that was my last memory with her. Now it gives me a sense of peace knowing that she’s no longer suffering.
I honestly haven’t been feeling like myself since October. It’s been a mix of family situations and how I’m feeling authentically. I made the decision to put my family first the past couple months, which is a decision that I stand by. But the emotional side to everything definitely has taken a toll on me. I’ve put on weight and I feel distant from myself. The thing is that I know that this is one of the ways I deal with grief. And I think that my ways of dealing with grief has definitely evolved this time around. A part of me is still in denial and apart of me is angry. I’ve seem to fallen into the part of grief were you stop caring about yourself and life.
I sunk into a phase believing that nothing is worth it if I can’t share it with them. I learnt to live my life without them but I hadn’t learnt to move forward in life with grief. I stopped at a stand still and just let everything wash by. I let grief take control. I lost all motivation and drive. It wasn’t until the weekend when everything shifted. I started to understand that I haven’t dealt with their deaths as well as I’ve thought. I realised everything that I was doing to myself and how negative my mindset had become on life. In that moment I shifted my mindset.
Just because something traumatic happens in your life, it doesn’t project or foreshadow your future. It’s your decision, your choice on how you come out of it. It finally clicked to me that I was just letting my life waste away. This is something I knew in the back of my mind but before this point I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I know that grief comes in waves but it’s understanding that these events in life make you who you are. Your life with these people and the experiences you have shared are carried forward in your life. Just because they’re no longer physically on earth doesn’t mean that you no longer have their love and support. The support and love from my Grandma and Auntie, is still energetically around me.
Over the weekend I started to feel like myself again. My drive and motivation came back. I decided to take two actions to get me back on track and to be ambitious about life again while I started to progress positively again in life —this week I’m releasing One-On-One Wheel Throwing Workshops and starting reformer pilates. I’m taking action towards my dream life and health.