A Lesson I've Yet to Learn
Coming to you mid mental breakdown. The first one for 2020.
This one has a reoccurring lesson I’ve been trying to learn my whole life —tolerating and settling in a job. I always do this. We spend most of our lives working, so I want to be doing something that makes me feel fulfilled and alive. I don’t want to be saying “another day, another dollar or it pays the bills.” This makes me feel so unhappy and frustrated with myself. Ever since I got my first job after a while, anxiety would build up and I would breakdown. It has happened with every job I’ve had. In the beginning I would be so happy with the new job, but then it all sets in and I realise that I’m actually really unhappy. It all stems down to that fact that I wasn’t spending the majority of time doing something I loved, I feel like I’m wasting so much time in something that doesn’t make me happy. The only pro would be money. But even then I feel like it’s not even worth it.
There’re so many factors that contribute to why I tolerate and settle in jobs—a part of it was that I didn’t know what other jobs I could do, a fear of not being successful, using it as an excuse not pursue my dreams because I’m scared, and telling myself a story that I value financial stability above everything else. Sometimes even over my own happiness.
My view of financial stability is conditioning that comes from my parents. It’s a belief that is heavily ingrained in me. Having parents that grew up in a third world country, sacrificing their lives and dreams to provide an amazing life for their children. WAIT. HOLY SHIT. It’s not because I value financial stability. Yes, it’s one of my values but at the core of it I think there’s a part of me that believes that we all end up sacrificing our lives for our future children. I believe that at some point we all end up hating our jobs or just working a job to provide for our families. So right now I’m just giving up on my dreams because at some point I will have to stop pursuing them. Because that’s what I’ve seen my parents do. FUCK. THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I’M LITERALLY GIVING UP BEFORE I’VE EVEN STARTED. FUCK THAT.
Okay I need to reprogram this. I value financial stability but also living a life for me not just my possible future children. I can and will be able to provide for my future with my ceramics or whatever dream I want to pursue. Financial stability means freedom to me —to not have to think about money while I live my life. But I also value happiness, living a life I’m proud of and excited by. A life that I’m not taking for granted. So right now my job is the bridge job to the bridge job to my ceramics. My plan of action is to one, get that bridge job to my ceramics. While I work for someone else I want to feel inspired by a creative environment and by the people I’m working with. And two, just make art. Whether I think it’s good or not, I need to let go of the self doubt, harsh self judgement and just fucking do it and stop being so scared because I’m only holding myself back from my own happiness.
On a side note —I feel like I do have to say that my parents are happy, they live a life they’re proud of and do things they love. I’m proud of my parents. What they valued most in life was us, their children. Wanting to make sure that we have everything we needed and more. I will always be grateful for the life they’ve given and continue to give me and one day I hope to repay them in some way. I’ve just perceived their actions and values differently, hence this lesson I need to learn.
Is it a smart idea to post this? Probably not, but oh well. We’ll just see what comes out of it. This is how I feel so I’m going to put it out there. Thanks for working through this mental breakdown with me. I’ve never journaled through a mental breakdown, it’s usually after so this was a journey. I bet you saw all my realisations from a mile away. I’ve spent the past week trying to get to the core of it all and now I finally understand this part of me.