Reflecting on Life at 22
It’s my birthday month and I always like to reflect on the past year around this time. Every birthday I always feel like I’ve grown, and I for sure feel this more than ever.
A few months ago, turning 23 scared me –I felt like I was racing against time. I know that I’m still so young but I had fears around success and failure. My fear of failure has held me back in life —fears hold you at a stand still and you will never be able to move forward, you’re just stuck.
This year I tackled my fear of failure. If it wasn’t for London, I wouldn’t of ever started working through my fears. London gave me the opportunity to explore myself and who I am. Before London I put everyone and everything else before me. Never taking the time to invest in myself. My fear of failure stopped me from exploring new things and expanding my interests. I needed to be selfish. I needed to acknowledge and take care of myself and my needs. To an extent I did this and now I’m in a place where I have so many things I want to pursue, so many directions I want to try out. I’m open to so much more.
I had my last psychic reading were I discovered that I was scared to be in a relationship due to my abandonment issues, which stem from my childhood. I wasn’t ever abandoned but when my parents would fight, one of them would drive off. This scared me so much, not knowing when they would come back or if they were safe. This resulted in me putting my guard up because I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to be abandoned by someone I love and care so deeply about. This also coincides with my vulnerability issues. I’m not blaming my parents for my issues, my issues simply stem from what I saw and how I interpreted it. Our fears, issues and the stories we tell ourselves are all created through the way we perceive our experiences. It’s the story we tell ourselves. Now when ever I feel abandoned, I’m aware of where it’s coming from and that it has nothing to do with the other person. It’s an issue I have that can be trigger by others actions but it wasn’t their intention to make me feel that way. If it’s ever triggered than I make a point to talk about it with the person and explain to them why I feel the way I do. It’s so important to be open and communicate your issues so that your relationships can thrive.
I’ve also spent this year, working through being more vulnerable. I cried so much in London. I felt like I cried every week. Had a mental breakdown every week. But I really learnt how to feel my emotions and not just bottle them up until I explode. I never wanted to tell anyone about how I felt, especially if I was upset, because I didn’t want to drag down their mood. I now understand that others don’t take on my pain, they empathise. I found that whenever I was holding onto a lot of pain or not releasing my emotions, I felt pain in my stomach. I felt physical pain from not releasing my emotions. The last time I felt this pain was around my 22nd birthday. I’m in a much better place with being able to express myself and sitting in my emotions. The truth is I always knew that I was a sensitive person, growing up I remember my feelings being hurt a lot. But I felt that showing that I was hurt, was weak. So I learnt and got really good at not expressing myself. It’s not weak to show your emotions and to share how you feel. There is so much strength in it —it empowers you.
All in all, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and grown a lot. I do put a lot of my growth resulting from London. It was truly the best year of my life. I moved to be selfish, to find myself and to find my identity outside of my family. I definitely have, but it’s only the beginning. I still have so much to discover and I’m so excited to see what the universe has coming up for me.