December '18
It has been the most heartbreaking month. On the 10th my Grandma passed away. She was one of the reasons why I moved back to Perth.
The day before I left for London I had a breakdown. I was in the garden with my mum and I started crying. I was telling her about why I needed to move to London —to live for myself, to find myself, but I also told her why I was scared to leave. My Grandma, she was unwell for a very long time. I was scared that if I left I would be missing out on time with her. She told me that I needed to go to finally live for myself, and that if and when I decide to come back everything would work out for the best.
My year in London was amazing, I learnt so much and met some of my closest friends. It will always be an experience I will be grateful for. But I cut it a year shorter than I thought I would. I made my decision pretty quickly. Isabel and I were going to Madrid for Champions League. Before our trip, I was trying to figure out how to get a sponsorship to stay in London. I wanted to stay for at least five years. Then something shifted during Madrid. Coming back to London felt different, after a day of being back I made my decision to move back to Perth. Six weeks later I was back. I’m so glad that I had the last 5 months with her.
As for grieving, I’m very aware with the fact that I always try to bottle things up and not let myself feel. So I’ve made the conscious decision to make sure that I don’t use anything as a distraction, trying to escape the situation and how I feel. I haven’t done any pottery this month because it is something I can just immerse myself in and the day will just pass by without me thinking about anything else. I’ve just had a chilled out month, being with my family and following my intuition. I haven’t forced myself to do anything I haven’t wanted or felt like I should do. To allow myself to sink in to my feelings and let it out. My reasoning behind this is because my Grandma is one of the most important women in my life, and now with her gone I didn’t want to push everything I was feeling away for it all to explode in a massive breakdown later on.
Some days are harder than others. Christmas Eve, it’s was my Grandma and I’s favourite time of the year and something I missed out of spending with her this year. Although it hurts to not be able to share my life with her anymore and do the simplest things together like going grocery shopping. I’m entering 2019 knowing that she is no longer suffering and to celebrate her life and the strong woman she was, who took pride in her family and lived a humble life.
With my Grandma’s passing a lot of people asked me if I would now move back to London. I’m more sure than ever that for now my time living in London is done. The other reason I moved back to Perth was to start my ceramics business and even with my Grandma gone I still want to do it in Perth. Sure, there is so much I love and miss in London and most if not all of my closest friends live there but I never truly wanted to build a life there. It has always been Perth. So here’s to 2019, the year I truly live as my authentic self.