I really enjoyed writing my birthday reflection post last year so I’m going to make it a yearly thing. I’m turning 24 on Monday, so here’s what 23 was for me.

Over the past two years as my birthday month gets closer, I’ve been feeling anxious about turning a year older. Which is not something I would feel before. My whole life I’ve always felt like I was older than I was and was excited about getting older. Specifically 27, not to sure why but that age really resonated with me. But now it’s scary getting older. A part of me feels like I don’t know why, but I do. Sometimes I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing and that I should’ve done more —this is just the insecurities that come to the surface around my birthday. All of it stemming from the pressure I put on myself to be successful.

This year was all about surrendering, being open, learning to deal with death and grief, and fixing my relationship with money.

Let’s talk job hunting, it has taken me over a year an a half to get a job. But weirdly I’ve been offered a position in Melbourne, which I declined and I knew that if I moved back to London I would have a job straight away. Basically I could get a job anywhere but in Perth. So I took it as a sign to surrender. To stop searching and let what’s supposed to happen, happen. I trusted the universe that it would provide to me what I needed at the right time. I now have a new job —I start in November! I do believe that I had to go that long unemployed period though. I had to work on my relationship with money.

While I was in university I was earning good money and up until moving back to Perth I had financial freedom. Money wasn’t something I’ve ever worried about because I had it. Then I didn’t. I was only making a quarter of what I use to earn. This set me back. Not only in the obvious way —financially but in my self worth. I realised that I believed that I was only worthy because I had money. That money was the only thing I had that was of value, that I could bring to the table in my relationships. I had to go this long being unemployed to work on this, to feel and know that people like me for me and not money. That I like myself and am worthy regardless of how much money I make. Now I have a healthy relationship with money, I put it to better use and I’m more conscious about my spending habits. I do believe that money does buy happiness, but it’s not about the amount of money you have. It’s about the way you use it, spending it consciously and removing ego from it.

If you’re a long time reader you would know that being open is something I’ve been working on for a long time and will probably continue to do so. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. Especially when it comes to people and relationships. For example if I get an impression that a person doesn’t align with my values, I used to be very quick to dismiss them. Not even giving that person a chance, whether it be a friendship or a relationship. I’ve built up walls for a very long time as a way to protect myself from ever feeling disappointed or hurt. To coincide with that I would pick the wrong people, ignore all the red flags —as a sick game to prove to myself that this was the reason for putting up those walls. Self sabotage, something I’m very good at. But you can’t live life like that. You will never experience anything worthwhile or form long lasting connections. I think I’ve done a pretty good job this year about being open and listening to my gut. I feel like I’ve learnt my lessons about why you shouldn’t ignore red flags, raising my self worth to know what I want and deserve, and finally allowing myself to be open and vulnerable.

This past year also came with a lot of death and grief. It’s still unbelievable that I’ve had to say goodbye to so many people. Most significantly my Grandma. Her death hit me the hardest and I will continue to grieve her for the rest of my life. I miss her everyday but everyday seems to get a little bit easier. Writing about her is the hardest though, I can’t help but cry. I think it’s because I still can’t believe that she’s no longer here and writing it feels more concrete than saying it out loud. Dealing with grief is definitely a process that is individual to everyone. I find that the more I talk about how I feel and acknowledge my emotions, the easier it is to accept that I’m still not okay. I’m not fully passed her death and that’s okay.

This year has been the toughest year yet, but everything in my life is slowly coming together. I’ve started my ceramics business, fallen into freelancing as a website designer and currently in the beginning stages of starting another business. That’s three businesses in the works, I would have never imagined that this would be my life. I was never the one that was passionate about finding a passion in my career. I always thought I’d work an office job and just work myself up, which is what I’d done during university up until a year and a half ago. With my new job, I have so much clarity on its purpose that I’m not even worried about settling back in to old habits because I know what I want and this job will only help me get it.

. . . I know what I want. That sums up 23 for me. This year I figured out what I want and what I deserve!

After acknowledging all of this and my growth, I’m excited to turn 24. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished this year and excited for everything that’s coming my way.